This is me, September 20th, 2023. I was one of several hundred counter-protesters in Guelph, Ontario, actively, yet peacefully, demonstrating our vehement opposition to the minority of those protesting against “gender ideology” in schools (helpful hint: there is no such thing).

Being part of such a vibrant community of citizens, comprised of individuals who are LGBTQ+, as well as those who are not, was incredibly humbling to me. Knowing that I was in their midst, given the poisonous fearmongering I once spouted, three years ago, will remain a defining experience, for me. While I could argue that because since leaving all things gender critical I have tried to listen to the voices I’d once attempted to silence, as well as to truly process my own views/beliefs, I should not be defined by my past, the reality remains that my previous beliefs and actions caused irreparable harm.

Not glossing over the reality of such harm is important. Not trying to pretend that I was not once a very vocal “gender critical” person is vital. I can’t learn from my mistakes if I don’t recognize that they are part of my history, and that they will always carry weight.

Keeping in mind that erasing the past is both not possible and not healthy, why does the fact that my previous views remain easily accessed online, with all of their fear and biases, bother me so?

Many could argue that it’s because I want to paint over what is so ugly about my past. That it bothers me because I don’t want anyone to know that I once held bigoted views. That I once caused harm.

But that argument is just not true. How can I forget my past, when those I love the most make sure to hold me accountable, because if they didn’t, I could never move forward, as an authentic human being?

My adult daughter was once asked if I should forgive myself about having once been so active in the gender critical movement. She was reminded that I’ve attempted to not just talk the talk, since leaving, but to walk the walk. Why not let myself off the hook? Who doesn’t have a few skeletons in their closet, after all?

But my daughter, the young woman who says that I am one of her most fundamental “people”, was adamant.

“No, she should never forgive herself for having been gender critical. It’s part of what makes her who she is.”

My daughter is my heart. In many ways, she’s a role model of what CAN be. What hopefully WILL be. And so, her words, her true, from the gut words, about her mom? They carry a hell of a lot of weight. But it’s weight that I don’t want to drop, to leave behind. After all, wherever I go, there I am.

And yet.

And yet, what I will not tolerate is having my past words, my past biased, fearmongering words, continue to influence people both today and into the future. No, not just influence, to cause harm. I refuse to stay silent while my past words lead anyone to either believe being “gender critical” is acceptable, or worse, to lead someone who is trans to believe that they are somehow less than.

Not on my watch.

As I’ve stated before, in April, 2019, I wrote an incredibly biased “article” for Meghan Murphy’s online site, Feminist Current. It was a “gender critical” diatribe, with me spewing my views as an authority (PhD! PhD!), as if my thoughts were research based, rather than the result of confirmation bias cherry-picking.

Since then, for a few years now (including in a piece I wrote here), I’ve quite publicly recanted both the article and my then-beliefs. I’ve been interviewed, I’ve spoken whenever possible, I’ve talked both to those closest to me, and those not personally known to me, about rejecting all things “gender critical”.

And yet?

And yet, my former words continue to influence, more than partly because current “gender critical” fearmongers still consider them to be useful to their cause.

For example, despite me publicly stating to the gender critical group (Cawsbar) I’d helped create that the copy I’d written on their website was crap, and despite them publicly agreeing that yes, my writing was crap, my copy remains. Pure laziness on their part, or something else?

Further, and perhaps more tellingly, my piece remains up on Murphy’s Feminist Current. The piece I have publicly and widely stated is incredibly biased and fear-based, continues to be read by new eyes, to influence others. It still remains there today, despite me reaching out very publicly to Murphy, two months ago on her FB page, saying that I wanted it taken down (see my post, below, followed by hers).

One might ask what purpose having a recanted article remain on one’s online “media site” could have, given that it has been publicly denounced by its author. What could the purpose be, gentle reader? Why at the very least not add a disclaimer, if nothing else, saying clearly that the author (“Alicia Hendley holds a PhD in clinical psychology”, it proudly states) vehemently disagrees with the piece she wrote over four years ago?

Could it be that those who are “gender critical” are so disingenuous that they will simultaneously mock those who leave their cult, yet continue to use them, without experiencing any cognitive dissonance? Could it be that my past writing, despite being fully denounced as basic propaganda by me, still serves a purpose to their “cause”? Could it be, gentle reader, that the gender critical community is so desperate to cling to the words of anyone who once supported them, as long as they can cite them as a (totally misplaced) “authority”, that they will tether themselves to such writing, regardless of what said writer now believes?

Let’s call it as it is. Meghan Murphy and her ilk are not only bigots. They are also cowards. Whether it’s the website of my former group, continuing to keep copy up that the author (me) has admitted to be incredibly flawed, or it’s Murphy, still refusing to take down a piece I have publicly denounced, knowing that her new readers remain oblivious to that fact.

They are cowards.

Real women would walk the walk. Real women, if they fervently disagreed with someone, might mock them, if they felt necessary, but at the very least would want to distance themselves from the person’s past words. Real women wouldn’t refuse to acknowledge that such words hold no legitimate value, as they came from someone who now not only stands firmly on the other side, lines clearly drawn, but has admitted that what was written stemmed from confirmation bias and misplaced fear.

But these aren’t real women. Spines they have not. People like them remain hopeful that if they shout loud enough, even if it’s with the recanted words that a denouncer once spoke, they’ll be believed.

While I won’t pretend my past doesn’t exist, I’ll be damned if these individuals continue to use my former words to spread their hate, into the future.

Let’s see who will blink first.